Sunday Update: Tired

photo by J. Alan Paul Photography

photo by J. Alan Paul Photography

This has been a crazy,busy,insane week.  I’m tired.

When I’m tired I don’t like how I look.  I looked at pictures this week and I hate how I look in them.  Fat.

It’s not how I see myself in my head, and when I butt up on reality, it depresses me.  How did I get this fat? When will I be normal again? What if I’m not normal again?  How could anyone love me like this?

Depression is just a dirty little bastard that sneaks into my life when I least expect to see him.

I’m tired – and my defenses are down when I’m tired.

Yes, I know I’m rambling but I want you to see inside my head when I get this way.  I can’t be the only one.

(I don’t usually show this side.  I decided that if this journey was to be successful you had to see all of me.  Here I am – just another side of me.  The one that looks at the world with fat glasses on.  You know — I think everyone sees me as fat first, then as Deb next.  That I need to jump over hurdles to get you to see the real me, not just the fat me. ) 

2 Responses to Sunday Update: Tired

  1. Sara Loveland Smith says:

    I so admire your weight loss journey. Ron and I are butting up against reality but haven’t fully engaged. You inspire me. I too see things in a negative light when tired…I try to remember that when I reach for things that I know sap my energy, be it comfort food, inactivity, caffeine, or allow dehydration,or too much screen time.
    For me I rarely see a persons weight first unless the person is obviously ill and it seems to be contributing to that…then I tend to feel concerned. I do think most folks notice a persons energy first and when that’s missing look closer. Mmm maybe that’s the tired /feeling fat link.

  2. Deb says:

    thank you Sara — it’s good to hear your words. Hi to Ron too!

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