Sunday Update: Alone

winters goneIt’s winter.  It’s cold.  Damn cold here.  When it gets this cold, I go to work and I go home.  When I get home, I find something to eat.  Because I’ m bored.  Or I’m alone.  Or I don’t have anything to do  It is seldom because I’m hungry.

At least that’s my old pattern.

Being alone often contributes to being overweight.  For me, winter doesn’t help.  I’ve chosen to believe that I hate winter.  But these days I’m taking a close look at my belief systems.  Jean Eels told me once there’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.  I think she might be right.  If I had shoes that fit right and kept my feet warm, clothes that fit right, were warm enough and looked good and a hat that didn’t do major damage to my hair style I might like winter more.  My car is a humdinger and starts every time and gets me where I need to go.

So perhaps it’s not winter I hate, but the clothes and shoes I can’t find that do the trick.  Because the 20 pounds I’ve dropped has started to make me feel a little more comfortable in my skin.  I still have humoungous feet, and I can’t find women’s shoes – at least fashionable ones.  I gave up looking for boots that will keep my feet warm and my calves covered.  I do have winter boots though.  I can slog through the snow and cold.  There will be no fashion contests though.

So maybe, just maybe, I don’t hate winter so much.

Back to being alone.  Is that just a habit too?  Have I made winter a time of hibernation, a place where I go to get away from people and recharge?  Am  I really lonely, or am I recharging?  When you’re fat, you have to build up your tolerance to the ignorance around you.  You can only take the comments and sideways glances for so long.  You need to get away from them for awhile.  You need the time to learn to love yourself again.  Or time to bury the self hate until it bubbles up to the surface again.

I’m not a particularly lonely kind of person.  In fact, I have quite a few friends.  I do however, like to spend some time alone.  I do need time to recharge my batteries.  It’s different now though.  I’ve gotten rid of the food in my house that doesn’t serve my body well.  There’s no longer need for instant gratification to bury the hurt feelings.  Instead I’m looking the feelings in the face and asking ‘why am I letting you hurt me?’   I’m asking myself a lot of questions.  When I want to eat chocolate or candy or just junk I ask myself ‘what will it serve me now?’  Will it make me feel better for a long time?  Will being sick tomorrow be worth 5 minutes of gratification right now?  Will weight gain today make me happy tomorrow?  Most of the time the answer is no.  Planning to have a bite of birthday cake tomorrow is easier to handle than having twinkies this afternoon in a fit of anger.

Slowly, I’m adjusting to the food changes I’m making.  I’m cooking more.  I’m saying “no thank you, I eat wheat free.”  It’s not a big deal, I just eat wheat free.  My body likes it better.

It’s ok.  Being alone is ok.  Because I’m talking to myself about real things.  I’m not beating myself up, I’m learning about myself.  I’m learning to like myself.  Try it.  It’s ok.

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5 Responses to Sunday Update: Alone

  1. Katy F says:

    So many truths here! I think there is a part of these in all of us! I’ve noticed we hibernate more this time ofbyear, but it’s also because the world isn’t the same place it was 10 years ago…and people in the world aren’t the same. Hugs to you friend!

  2. Deb,

    Being alone is very different from being lonely. And the best cure for being lonely is to reach out to someone else that you suspect might be lonely. Your cure for their loneliness is also the cure for your own.

    Why not think of yourself as the Winter Heatmiser — your job is to warm up other people’s winter with a love note, a quick call or a “here’s why I like you” post on FB? I’ll bet you would come to love winter… no matter what your boots look like.

    And I suspect on those days when you’re feeling like you don’t have much left in the tank you know a friend or three who you can call and will fill you right back up.

    You’ve got this. Keep taking care of yourself…and take care of those around you too… which ultimately is the best way to care for yourself!

    Big hugs,

    Drew

  3. Patrick Palmer says:

    I was an only child, but never a lonely child. You’ve had a very busy and social week, I would love a day alone after the week you had.

  4. Jean says:

    Yes, finding good winter clothes can be a very big deal! We should talk and you can plan for purchases that might fit the bill next winter. Footwear needs plenty of toe wiggling space. We should grab you and go to the Kite Festival a Clear Lake. ; ). Yup, wheat free here.

  5. deb says:

    Katie – yes, the world is different. Yet I still see you supporting those you love and bravo to you! Drew – love it, supporting others while supporting yourself, great way to fill my tank. Patrick – the day alone was indeed needed and appreciated. Jean (Eells) we WILL talk, I need a good coat that is warm and fits and would love to go to the kite festival!

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